The Never Ending Cycle of Depression

My mom sent me this beautiful new Mormon Message video today. PLEASE PLEASE watch it. It's only 12 minutes, and it is amazing. Elder Holland always knows exactly what to say. So, as I was watching it, and crying my eyes out, I decided I would share a little of my story.

https://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/like-a-broken-vessel?cid=HP_MO_20-6-2016_dPFD_fMNWS_xLIDyL1-A_

Since having Olivia, I have suffered off and on from depression. At first, I think it was post partum depression. I had a hard baby, did not adjust to taking care of two kids well, and had medical issues on top of it. I immediately went on medicine, (gained 15 pounds) and called it good.
I decided after a few months on my medicine, that I was healed and weaned myself off of it.

Right around Olivia's first birthday, my depression got really really bad. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was almost suicidal. I couldn't figure out WHY I was feeling so sad all of the time. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I had an amazing husband, two ADORABLE kids, and a perfect life. Sure, I was dealing with some personal/family stuff, but overall, I had no "reason" to be feeling this way.
I remember feeling like I wasn't a good enough mom for my kids. Like I wasn't a good enough wife. I was embarrassed FOR my family.

I fought it and fought it, and TRIED so hard to be happy, but couldn't get out of my "funk". No one would have known how low I was most of the day, because the second I got around people, I put on a smile, and faked my way through those awful situations. I was in the last place I wanted to be in. I would have rather been at home in bed.

That next January, some friends and I decided to start the C25K. I am NOT a runner. I never have been. But, it got me out of my "funk", and I started to enjoy life again. Unfortunately, in July, I was diagnosed with some serious health issues, and was told I could no longer run. At the time, I didn't realize that running was the medicine my body needed to stay happy.

In October, I started feeling REALLY low again. I ignored it, and kept pretending to be fine.
One day in November, I woke up and my entire body was burning in pain. I could hardly move. I had never felt this way before. I stayed in bed crying almost all day, until I finally had the energy to get myself to a doctor. He wanted me to see a neurologist, and rheumatologist. I had a number of tests done, and was sent home. It was after I got home, that I talked to my mom on the phone about how I was feeling, when she mentioned to me that maybe I was depressed again.
I called my doctor, and mentioned it, and asked about getting a prescription for an antidepressant. I was embarrassed, and told her that I had no reason to be feeling so horrible. She said something that finally clicked...
She said,
" If you went to a doctor, and they told you you had asthma, and needed an inhaler, you wouldn't think twice about taking it. Well, I'm telling you that you have something chemically wrong in your brain. It needs to be fixed with medicine. Don't be embarrassed about it."
I realized that she was right!

A few things I've learned throughout this whole experience have been huge, and Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" really pinpoints my thoughts on the subject. No matter how perfect someone's life or world looks on social media, you never know what they may or may not be going through alone. Don't judge. The best thing we can do for each other is to reach out, love each other, and show compassion for those around us. I honestly wish that when I was going through what I was going through, I had opened up about it to more. I was embarrassed, and hid it. That didn't help me heal. I also found it hard to turn to Heavenly Father in my time of need. I felt angry at him. I felt so discouraged, I didn't know how he could possibly love me.

One of my favorite quotes from this article says, "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”4 Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles."  

A few months of pushing Heavenly Father out of my life, and not understanding WHY I wasn't getting better, this hits close to home. He had given me no reason to lose hope. He knows me better than ANYONE. He knows my weaknesses, and he STILL loves me. Why would I push someone out of my life who has this kind of love for me? How could I expect to magically get better, if I push the one constant thing I've known and loved my whole life out? When I get sick, what do I do? I ask for a blessing. So, why would this be any different? Depression is a sickness. It controls your mind, and makes you think/believe things that you normally wouldn't. It doesn't mean you are weak. It doesn't mean you should be embarrassed. It doesn't mean there is a reason in your life that is making you feel this way. It's an imbalance of hormones in your brain, and you need help to fix it. Get all the help you can. Medicine, blessings, turning to your Heavenly Father. Make yourself feel better.

I did.

And does this mean that I'll never have another depressed moment in my life? NO. But, I hope next time, I remember where to turn when I'm feeling low.